These jokes are simply meant as harmless fun, so don’t get all bent out of shape over "section rivalry." If you have a joke, email it to me, and I’ll post it!!!

Flute/Piccolo

Q: How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?

A: Shoot one.

Clarinet

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?

A: So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q: What is the "perfect pitch?"

A: When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

Saxophones

Q: What do you call 100 saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?
A1: You can tune a chain saw!
A2: Vibrato!
A3:The exhaust!
A4: It's all in the grip!

Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: A person who had the opportunity to play saxophone but chose clarinet instead!

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and and onion?
A: Nobody cries when you cut a saxophone in half!

Q: How is Kenny G. like a sub-machine gun?
A: They both repeat themselves 900 times a minute!

Q: What is the difference between a trampoline and a saxophone?
A: You have to take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline!

Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
A1: The mower's owner will get mad if you don't return the lawn mower.
A2: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, whom would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?

A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two would indicate you are hallucinating. (Sorry, Zach, but Santa is NOT real!)

Trumpets

Q: Why didn't the gorilla play lead trumpet?
A: He was too modest!

Q: What is the ritual trumpet handshake?

A: "Hi, I'm better than you."

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five -- one to actually do it, and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q: Why do all bands have trumpets?

A: Because no band is perfect.

Q: When does the trumpeter know he's met his match?

A: When he is crowded out of the room by the drum major's ego!

Trombones

Q: What's the difference between a dead trombonist on the road and a dead squirrel on the road?
A: The squirrel was on his way to a gig!

Q: How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Put your hand over the bell and miss half of the notes!

Q: How is a Trombone and a Chain Saw similar?
A: They both sound bad in a small combo!

Q: What is the least used sentence in the English language?
A: "Oh, that must be the trombone player's Porsche!"

Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?

A: "Year-at-a-glance."

Drummers

Q: How can you tell when a drummer is knocking at your front door?
A: The knocking speeds up!

Q: What do you call a person who hangs around musicians all day?
A: A Drummer!
Q: What do you say to a drummer who is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Where can I find more sand?

Q: How can you tell when you are playing on a stage that is level?
A: The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth!

Double Reeds

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: It takes longer for a bassoon to burn!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q. How do you insult a baritone saxophone?
A. Say it sounds like a bassoon.

Q. What are burning oboes used for?
A. To set bassoons on fire.

Q. Why are bassoons better than oboes?
A. Burn longer.

Q. How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. But by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.

Q. What are bassoons good for?
A. Kindling for accordion fires!

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?

A: Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

General Musician Jokes

Q: What do you call a tuba quartet?
A: A tuba four! (Get it... 2 by 4)

I know someone who plays a very good saw. The only problem is that he can only play in one key.
He calls it his C-saw!
Q: How many Guns and Roses fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four...1 to do it and 3 to kick the chair from under him!
Q: How can a musician make a million dollars?
A: Give him/her 2 million!
Q: How many musicians does it take to shingle a roof?
A: It depends on how thin you slice them!
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the accordion but doesn't!
Q: Do you know why J.S. Bach had so many children?
A: His organ didn't have any stops!
Q: How many music majors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one! But he does get three credits for it!
Rosini was so lazy that it was said he composed most of his music in bed.
Does that mean that most of his music was SHEET MUSIC!!!
Last night, my daughter's school band played Beethoven.
Beethoven lost!
Q: What was the most unusual thing Mozart left on his piano stool?
A: His last movement!
Q: What is the difference between a musician and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist!
One musician was talking to another..."Hey, who was that piccolo I saw you out with last night?" The reply was..."That was no piccolo, that was my fife!"

Q: How can you tell when a Jazz musician is at your door?
A: There is a knock and he yells out "Pizza Delivery"!

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